Lately I’ve been in the whirlwind of maintaining four jobs, wearing different hats, often going from one gig to the next. As I’ve noted to several friends and family members, though, somehow it’s all okay because I have no regrets with leaving teaching writing and it’s just where I am right now. But this new kind of “busy” and go-go-go and intense level of work will need to recalibrate once again. Until I figure it out, I’m staying in the moment as much as I can, enjoying a lot of what I’m doing now, and feeling oh so grateful for financial support from these employment sources month to month.
For as much as I am in the now, I’m still human, and my monkey mind jumps into Fear at times, wondering about “long term” and more financial ease and just more space, overall, for other things I love, like writing and reading. I’m trying to honor the transition and remember that our lives constantly change and reshape. Usually I’m actually pretty zen about it all, realizing that I actually have more money in the bank account month to month, even though my money comes in very differently and even more sparsely than before; I also somehow have more joy and ease.
But there’s the trigger that shows up here and there that sends me reeling back to Fear; it’s what I’ve been calling “mainstream fear,” the ego, the voice that expresses the fear of the masses, such as “you can’t really be happy and make money” or “how can you financially support yourself if you leave a job that’s draining you?” or “sure, you enjoy doing that, but is it really going to sustain you?” One recent trigger for me occurred with a woman I’d only just met; I won’t give any more details to protect the innocent, but in our brief getting-to-know you conversation, she had asked what kinds of work I am doing now, after a very pronounced gasp and look of disbelief when I said I left teaching at the university. When I responded with my list of reiki master, crafter, psychic reader, psychic phone line and nannying roles, she snapped without hesitation, “Well, that’s not sustainable.”
I felt the hit in my stomach and wondered in that very moment, “Is she right?” I took a breath and mustered, “Well, I’m definitely in transition, and these things are what I’m doing now, and I’m making it and have no regrets about leaving my last job.” But I admittedly went into a tailspin for a bit, even later that day, wondering if she was right. Her voice and question reminded me of the thoughts I’ve had myself and represented all of the voices and concerns I’ve heard that would say I and so many others are nuts for living a bit more unconventionally. I know that voice, and I’ve deemed it Mainstream Fear because it’s what stops so many of us from doing things we really want and love to do, all because these things may not fit a popular or safe mold.
I’m realizing so often that when we choose joy and need to leave relationships, jobs, homes and so forth not serving us, there is risk involved; we’re leaving what we know, even if it’s unhealthy. Embarking on new adventures can be scary as heck, but our inner guidance (led by our spiritual posse, God, angels, deceased loved ones, inner knowing, whatever resonates) knows best and will not disappoint. I’m also finding that the more I truly stay Here, Now, In the Present, I am really okay, and I find that’s what always gets me through. No, I’m not being foolhardy and am making sure that financials and basics for me and my dog are handled, and I’m really doing okay. My humanness shines through, though, and while it’s so great to receive mostly support from my friends and loved ones with the risks I’ve taken especially this year, I’m so imperfect and still have lower, uncertain moments, which all seem to be a part of this lovely process. And, yes, I said lovely.
The true magic is that when I’m staying Here as much as I can and really trusting, things are unfolding in ways I’ve never imagined, and I’m constantly assured that it’s all working out. I admit that even I can’t believe it sometimes. While I may feel I’m in transition, this time really just is time–with my choices and experiences. Believe me, I can also be and hear the voice of Mainstream Fear just as easily and find ways to discount or to deter my path. I’ve been there and sometimes even still visit once and awhile. But this notion of positive thoughts and stepping forward despite the Fear is not just some new-age crazy concept, as I may have thought just like some of you (us) do at times.
I’m living in a way now so very different, and when I honor but then step outside of Fear, the Universe provides. I breathe through moments a lot more now and encourage this practice.
Expect miracles when you honor your true work. Remember that the voice of mainstream fear is really just a voice. Make your voice louder.
It is so true that letting the fear rule our lives only seems to dig our hole(fear) even deeper. Enjoying our lives for what they are isn’t always easy, but living more simply and not sweating the small stuff is always the better way to go. Live in the moment and the universe will give back so much more. Love and Peace to all!
Nice, Mom. Thank you. 🙂 I especially like your “live in the moment, and the Universe will give back so much more.” Yay.
Lovely 🙂 I am so with you on all this. I have also noticed how, at times, it sure seems as if even loved ones, or society in general, is not very accepting or encouraging of our “new” way of life, our new line of thinking that is so against what they know, as if some force out there tries to get us back to suffering and fears. I like it when I am simply able to see it, hear it, and let it go without owning it. Change requires courage and love within, lots of light and cheer of living, and you share all that so well. Like you say, you are where you are, and that is just the best place to be, in the appreciative moment of the present 🙂 Love & hugs to you for believing in yourself. Keep on shining your beautiful true self!
Mela, thank you again. Yes, yes, yes. And sometimes we really need to choose to spend more time with those who support us; we can only take so much of the fear and suffering voice. We are in the best place if we’re just… Here. 🙂 Blessings, love and light to you, dear neighbor and chica!
Thanks for your speedy, great comments, Mel and Mom. 🙂 I changed the title of this blog post and added a closing line. You offer some great points, as well. 🙂 Thank you. Seems like the “new age” we’re entering, though, is a lot more accepting of unconventional paths, right, Mel? 🙂
I hear ya, Sista! and boy, can I relate! good job!
Hang in there, Jen. 🙂 Be strong.
Great post, Erika! Fear is indeed a big stumbling block for many of us and living in the now is so much harder than it sounds. A very wise person once sent me a card with a wonderful Carols Castaneda quote. It hangs in my office and is now my daily mantra: “We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same.” Cheers to you for making yourself strong!
Thanks, Brutha James. I miss you! We’re do for a phone catch-up at some point. 🙂 Thank you, my dear. Ha, ha: “Very wise person.” Thank you. Love that Castaneda quote… thank YOU for reminding me of it. Keep on keepin’ on. In love and strength, Erika
I like this line: ‘The true magic is that when I’m staying Here as much as I can and really trusting, things are unfolding in ways I’ve never imagined” because that’s the heart of the matter. When a person stays “in the moment” we are connected to that Divine Source (God/Goddess), and we see our lives unfolding in unimaginable ways. It’s wonderful! I’m happy to read your words. Thank you for sharing.